And so I’m shedding another skin.
This one was dark but warm sleepy blue like grandfather’s cardigan, and it kept me from the cold.
It kept me sleeping.
I was in a fallow state along with trees in this strangest of South Texas winters.
There was actual snowfall here in Laredo.
A strange side effect of my ADHD medication is the intense state of hyper-focus it puts me in, and as an educator, I still mark the time the way children do – by the seasons, by the state-mandated school year calendar. It was through this that I saw my rebirth as a focused teacher; every school year was a different fixation, a specific and laser-like focus on one area of teaching. This year was all about my classroom.
I had a vision for my classroom, and the way I wanted to tailor every last bit of towards learner-centered, small group instruction, instead of the shackles of the front and center lecturing teacher.
It began my second week back. I began pulling twelve-hour days, going in at 6 AM and signing out by 6:45 – 6:50 PM. It left me drained, exhausted, and not wanting to go out for anything or anyone – except, on occasion, when my best friend would coax me out. Even then, half of my mind still yearned for home.
My focus was such that I’m just now coming out of it. I actually have the mental energy to write again.
Waking up is always a strange instinctual, mechanical business, though, isn’t it?
That strange segue from the dream state to waking life. Knowing that your mind was somewhere else for some amount of time – that past a gray-misted haze of a memory – as the present comes into slow and clear focus.
I’ve never been more acutely aware of my evolution as a human being since my depression and ADHD diagnosis and being on consistent and effective (for me) medication.
I’ve always loved learning – about myself, about the world – and now I’m getting a crash course in the education of myself as person in more control of his life than he’s ever been, as well as the world of mental illness.
I’ve learned that I’ll never stop learning.
I know that I will continue evolving.
What a strange adventure this is, being human.