“Aqua Sea Foam Shame.” – A Dispatch From Biosphere Station Moore.

If I have ever lashed out at you in anger, feeling entitled to hurt you using my words, I apologize.

I’m a damaged man, very damaged.

I have wounds, wounds that run long and deep. Unchecked, they cracked and split running straight down to my bones. These wounds have been oozing toxic puss unchecked, turning septic; seeping in, poisoning my emotions and judgment.

I did not see these wounds. I thought I was fine. I mean, I’ve been medicated for my mental illness for years now.

Until it was brought to my attention.
And then I noticed that I had been engaged in a long-running series of repetitive behaviors that always involved me texting certain women.

Oftentimes the communications started off innocently enough. It was fun. But eventually I ended up being too annoying or pushy, then when it was brought to my attention, I took offense, felt rejected and attacked, and then, feeling entitled, I would lash out via text or message.

Ever since, I have spent the abundant amount of time that I have in isolation meditating and reflecting over my words, my actions, reactions. Trying to analyze my triggers. And trying to figure out what the hell I wanted out of these relationships in the first place.

When it was brought to my attention, I felt horrible – for days.

I don’t want to hurt anyone emotionally.
I want to have positive interactions with everyone.

I informed my psychiatrist.
He recommended a therapist. I talk to my friends and family.

Some realizations:
I’m forty-five years old, and I am too old and I am too tired to be creating any type of emotional drama for myself or others.

I am done with meeting women.

I need to work on myself.

I need to work on making the most of the friendships I already have, my relationships with my family.

Just please know two things:

1. I am not using my mental illness as an excuse or a shield. It may have blurred my vision, but it was my choice to take the car out and drive it – if you get my meaning.

I own my actions and I acknowledge the harm I have caused.

2. I am, and always will be, deeply sorry for anyone I have hurt.

Title quote taken from:

Nirvana.

“All Apologies.”