If I have ever lashed out at you in anger, feeling entitled to hurt you using my words, I apologize.
I’m a damaged man, very damaged.
I have wounds, wounds that run long and deep. Unchecked, they cracked and split running straight down to my bones. These wounds have been oozing toxic puss unchecked, turning septic; seeping in, poisoning my emotions and judgment.
I did not see these wounds. I thought I was fine. I mean, I’ve been medicated for my mental illness for years now.
Until it was brought to my attention.
And then I noticed that I had been engaged in a long-running series of repetitive behaviors that always involved me texting certain women.
Oftentimes the communications started off innocently enough. It was fun. But eventually I ended up being too annoying or pushy, then when it was brought to my attention, I took offense, felt rejected and attacked, and then, feeling entitled, I would lash out via text or message.
Ever since, I have spent the abundant amount of time that I have in isolation meditating and reflecting over my words, my actions, reactions. Trying to analyze my triggers. And trying to figure out what the hell I wanted out of these relationships in the first place.
When it was brought to my attention, I felt horrible – for days.
I don’t want to hurt anyone emotionally.
I want to have positive interactions with everyone.
I informed my psychiatrist.
He recommended a therapist. I talk to my friends and family.
I’m forty-five years old, and I am too old and I am too tired to be creating any type of emotional drama for myself or others.
I am done with meeting women.
I need to work on myself.
I need to work on making the most of the friendships I already have, my relationships with my family.
Just please know two things:
1. I am not using my mental illness as an excuse or a shield. It may have blurred my vision, but it was my choice to take the car out and drive it – if you get my meaning.
I own my actions and I acknowledge the harm I have caused.
2. I am, and always will be, deeply sorry for anyone I have hurt.
Title quote taken from:
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