Tag: isolation

“Aqua Sea Foam Shame.” – A Dispatch From Biosphere Station Moore.

If I have ever lashed out at you in anger, feeling entitled to hurt you using my words, I apologize.

I’m a damaged man, very damaged.

I have wounds, wounds that run long and deep. Unchecked, they cracked and split running straight down to my bones. These wounds have been oozing toxic puss unchecked, turning septic; seeping in, poisoning my emotions and judgment.

I did not see these wounds. I thought I was fine. I mean, I’ve been medicated for my mental illness for years now.

Until it was brought to my attention.
And then I noticed that I had been engaged in a long-running series of repetitive behaviors that always involved me texting certain women.

Oftentimes the communications started off innocently enough. It was fun. But eventually I ended up being too annoying or pushy, then when it was brought to my attention, I took offense, felt rejected and attacked, and then, feeling entitled, I would lash out via text or message.

Ever since, I have spent the abundant amount of time that I have in isolation meditating and reflecting over my words, my actions, reactions. Trying to analyze my triggers. And trying to figure out what the hell I wanted out of these relationships in the first place.

When it was brought to my attention, I felt horrible – for days.

I don’t want to hurt anyone emotionally.
I want to have positive interactions with everyone.

I informed my psychiatrist.
He recommended a therapist. I talk to my friends and family.

Some realizations:
I’m forty-five years old, and I am too old and I am too tired to be creating any type of emotional drama for myself or others.

I am done with meeting women.

I need to work on myself.

I need to work on making the most of the friendships I already have, my relationships with my family.

Just please know two things:

1. I am not using my mental illness as an excuse or a shield. It may have blurred my vision, but it was my choice to take the car out and drive it – if you get my meaning.

I own my actions and I acknowledge the harm I have caused.

2. I am, and always will be, deeply sorry for anyone I have hurt.

Title quote taken from:

Nirvana.

“All Apologies.”

Songwriters: Kurt Cobain

All Apologies lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Royalty Network.

Dispatches From Biosphere Station Moore: Friday Night.

6: 45.

Friday night.

I found myself staring out the living room window. The sun was setting on the top left corner of it’s outline.
I blink.

Bright. A glint cometed across the middle third.

A truck passed, an older kept up Chevy truck. Custom. Bowling ball white and gray iridescent paint job. Recently washed.

Another blink.

It occurs to me. I wish that was me. Oh just to go on a drive. To go out and beyond past my small borders.

Another profound realization.

One I felt.

Not as acutely as the other time, thank God.

To quote many of the The Uncanny X-Men characters during Chris Claremont’s epic run:

“It. Hurt.”

Question now is, do I leave my curtains open or closed?

Biosphere Station Moore out.

Greetings from Biosphere Station Moore!

This is my first Dispatch From Biosphere Station Moore.

Tuesday, June 9th, 2020.

Earlier this year, on March 17th, my car died.

Died.

For good.

On March 18th the Covid-19 quarantine was put into effect.

As a result, a good news/bad news situation developed:

The Good News.

Having no working vehicle the day the quarantine began, effectively sealed our house hermetically, denying entry to Covid-19.

With no means of transportation, I could not now accidentally bring the virus inside were I to go out.

Automatically, my mom, who is now eighty, and a prime candidate for contracting the virus, was saved. For that, I am happy and thankful.

Everyday.

The Bad News.

I have not stepped out of our house since.

Even if I could, I’d still risk contracting Covid-19, and then so would my mom.

And I can’t have that happen.

Because of that, my mom and I have been in 100% self-quarantine ever since.

So, with an embarrassment of free time on my hands, I’m going to be blogging regularly – maybe more so than before.

There’s quite a bit to cover:

The joys of distance-learning.

The time-intensive, yet unclear texting relationship with a younger woman I’d never physically met.

My mental breakdown when I realized I was suffering from severe isolation.

My mom finally becoming a mother.

The quick trip in the bed of a friend’s truck to sign my teacher’s contract – my first, and so far, only expedition out into the World.

Then George Floyd gasped out, “I can’t breathe” on video – and things got darker …

I hope you continue reading so we can all continue to learn and grow.

Please take care of yourselves.

Marc.